Tiffany Flowers

Today is one month of living in the city, at the aforementioned wonderfully located place, and if all goes well it will be my last day as well. A month ago, I wanted a nice location and a big bedroom, today I want kind and respectful roommates, and yes multiple roommates. I have learned that nothing is permanent, and I might as well be at least slightly prepared for whatever may come my way. Upon learning that I would need to find new living accommodations, I immediately clung to the hope for something new, and better. I’m still hoping that though I’ll be boarding with a male I have never met, I will be more likely to make new friends, and actually be able to spend time with my roommate(s). I am excited to live in a foreign part of the city, and a part that is further from the centrally located areas I am so familiar with. A block from the beach, a block from Golden Gate Park, and with people that are actually my age with a similar lifestyle. I am really happy to be getting away from a roommate who has offered me a place to stay in exchange for an intimate relationship. A person who thinks that by just being really nice you are owed the respect of the women you seek. A person who can’t seem to respect that my decision to be committed to someone is not me just being naive.

In other news, I had a fantastic spring break with the Tom, and I’m even more anxious and excited for him to come live here. It’ll be great to have someone to explore the city with, and even better that it’s one of my absolute favorite people in the world. Hopefully, his brother can convince that the bay area needs him now, and not by summer, but so far it looks like he is being stubborn. I still greatly miss my friends and family though, and am very excited to see some of those lovely people in a few short weeks.

There is more but my thoughts are too jumbled at the moment to make their way into proper sentences.  

As I strive to socialize and make bonds that will make life more fulfilling I tend to stumble on these occasions where I can’t help but feel as though I begin to lose a sense of freedom. Suddenly the act of spending time with the person feels like an obligation, an expectation, rather than something that I willing choose to participate in. I’ve resolved to pour my time, energy, and passion into my interests rather than into the people that I don’t truly want to see, that cannot compare to the time I could spend in solitude pursuing myself.

I understand the value of friendship and value, and I of course am always striving to make those kinds of bonds, but I’ve yet to take power over my time, and I can’t help but retreat from those who threaten my influence on my own life.

Fuck fuck.

Tom is visiting SF for five days and he will be here on Wednesday. I am so excited and so anxious that I’m pretty sure I will just implode with happiness when he gets here. So soon. So good.

This past week has been one of the most rapid succession of changes for me. The very sudden and quick jump to looking for a new place to live and finding one within the week, and moving in days later has let me just now time to think about it. I’m finding that living with a complete stranger is a little more awkward than I had ever imagined, but for me awkward isn’t necessarily bad or uncommon. It’s absolutely insane how something I had been planning for months and months suddenly just came together within days of actually being able to make it happen. 

 I am writing this as night one of actually living in San Francisco, and not just a neighboring city. I have my own room and fairly large one at that, especially considering the lack of space San Francisco seems to be known for. I am less than ten minutes walking distance from my work, which is where I spend the majority of my waking hours. I am a less than 15 minute walk to the gorgeous architecture surrounding City Hall, SF Public Library included. Also a short walk to a plethora of quaint cafes, bars, and boutique shops, and right around the corner from the gorgeous park that is situated in front of “Danny Tanner’s House”.

That’s all fine, and wonderful, but it feels weird to feel so accomplished after a few days of vigilant room hunting. It feels weird that I am now making myself at home in a place that I’ve only visited a small handful of times. That I actually have an entire room to put all of my shit and not leave the extraneous stuff in my car ready to be moved as soon as needed. I don’t even know what to do with all of this space I suddenly have at hand. I have an empty closet and I have four of six very large dresser drawers that I can’t seem to fill.

This also comes at a time where my future and happiness just so happens to correlate with someone else’s life plan, and needless to say they are doing well, and that will hopefully mean even better things to come in the very near future.

On top of all of this change, I spent the first two nights I actually had the room visiting home. And I’m still baffled by the huge dose of perspective a spontaneous road trip can provide. To be able to be home with just a solid day and a half of work off is bizarre to me, and probably a decent reminder of whatever limitations I feel I face each day. And as always going home makes me that much happier in San Francisco.

So anyway, this is mission accomplished and the opportunity to find a new focus, passion, or hobby that my livelihood doesn’t depend on. Kind of exciting, but also a task worth taking seriously. 

I’ve noticed how long I find myself just sitting in my car after I’ve parked it. Just staring at the cars in front of me, and glancing at the apartment window. It’s quiet, and I’m alone. I have no real freedom in the car. I am sort stuck in one position, and it’s not exactly a cozy one. The inside though, that space offers nothing that I seem to yearn for. I’m dying to get into anything. I’m just here, content, possibly depressed, just sitting, breathing, and I don’t need to be in any particular space to sit and breathe.